By January Nelson
The right comeback will make you come across as intelligent. It will remind your enemies not to mess with you. It will make you appear strong. Of course, you can also use funny insults on your best friends when theyâre being a little too annoying. Here are the 80+ best insults to destroy your enemies, or more importantly, your best friends.
Comebacks and insults that will destroy your worst enemies
If you want to shut someone down when they start to get mean, you need to use one of these perfect comebacks:
- I was today years old when I realized I didnât like you.
- Someday youâll go far. And I really hope you stay there.
- Oops, my bad. I couldâve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
- I love what youâve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
- Remember that time you were saying that thing I didnât care about? Yeah, that is now.
- Youâre the reason God created the middle finger.
- Iâm busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
- Oh, you donât like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.
- I wish I had a flip phone, so I could slam it shut on this conversation.
- NâSync said it best, âBYE, BYE, BYE!â
- Iâve been called worse things by better men.
- Youâre a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
- Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
- You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.
- How many licks until I get to the interesting part of this conversation?
The best comebacks ever spoken
If you want to get the last word into an argument, you need to use these great jokes:
- Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain.
- Your face makes onions cry.
- Did I invite you to the barbecue? Then why are you all up in mygrill?
- Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.
- You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
- If your brain was dynamite, there wouldnât be enough to blow your hat off.
- You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
- Itâs impossible to underestimate you.
- Wow, your maker really didnât waste time giving you a personality, huh?
- Her teeth were so bad she could eat an apple through a fence.
- Iâll never forget the first time we met. But Iâll keep trying.
- Oh, Iâm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
- Hold still. Iâm trying to imagine you with personality.
- Iâm not insulting you, Iâm describing you.
- You are the human version of period cramps.
Good roasts to use on your friends and enemies the next time they annoy you
Donât hold yourself back from saying what youâre thinking. Get the best comebacks and insults below:
- Youâre cute. Like my dog. He also chases his tail for entertainment.
- You are like a cloud. When you disappear, itâs a beautiful day.
- You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
- Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
- Your face is just fine, but weâll have to put a bag over that personality.
- Iâm not a nerd. Iâm just smarter than you.
- I may love to shop but I will never buy your bull.
- Child, Iâve forgotten more than you ever knew.
- Iâm an acquired taste. If you donât like me, acquire some taste.
- Bye. Hope to see you never.
- Donât worry, the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
- If youâre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
- The only way my husband would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.
- If you have a problem with me, write the problem on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your ass.
- Complete this sentence for me: âI never want to see you ââââ!â
The funniest, most savage insults on the internet
Here are the best insults to use on your worst enemies, or more importantly, your best friends:
- I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
- You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
- Did the mental hospital test toomanydrugs on you today?
- OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!
- Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
- Iâd like to help you out. Whichwaydid you come in?
- I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies, how silly of me.
- Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
- Iâd rather treat my babyâs diaper rash than have lunch with you.
- You look so pretty. Not at all gross, today.
- I only take you everywhere I go, so I donât have to kiss you goodbye.
- We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, weâve been married for 10 years.
- When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, would you?
- Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.
- That sounds like ayouproblem.
- You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.
The top smart-ass comebacks on the internet
If youâre going to use an insult, at least use a clever one. Here are a few of the best on the internet:
- I see no evil, and I definitely donât hear your evil.
- Iâm just glad that youâre stringingwordsinto sentences now.
- Donât worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
- Mirrors canât talk. Lucky for you, they canât laugh, either.
- You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.
- You are proof God has a sense of humor.
- If I had a face like yours, I would sue my parents.
- You must have been born on a highway. Thatâs where most accidents happen.
- Grab a straw, because you suck.
- Youâre the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
- If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
- Iâm glad to see youâre not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.
- If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to your ego and jump to your IQ.
- Iâd agree with you but then weâd both be wrong.
- Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken butt and wait.
Comebacks to use on your best friends and family
Use the savage quotes below in order to show others that you are more intelligent than they are:
- Donât be ashamed of who you are. Thatâs your parentâs job.
- I told my therapist about you.
- Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.
- If you were an inanimate object, youâd be a participation trophy.
- Hey, you have something on your chin. No, the 3rd one down.
- I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
- People like you are the reason God doesnât talk to us anymore.
- You are a pizza burn on the roof of the worldâs mouth.
- If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
- Youâre my favorite person⌠besides every other person Iâve ever met.
- Youâre about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
- I believed in evolution until I met you.
- You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
- If your brain was dynamite, there wouldnât be enough to blow your hat off.
- Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
The most hilarious, savage comebacks people will love
The quotes below are perfect for showing someone you can handle yourself in a fight:
- I know you are, but what am I?
- Yeah? Well, you smell like hot dog water.
- Isnât it dangerous to use your whole vocabulary in one sentence?
- Sorry, not sorry.
- If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, Iâd be broke.
- I do not consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- In the land of the witless, you would be king.
- I would prefer a battle of wits, but you appear unarmed.
- I like the way you try.
- Iâm jealous of all the people who havenât met you.
- People clap when they see you. They clap their hands over their eyes.
- When I see your face, thereâs not a thing that I would change⌠except the direction I was walking in.
- You look like something I would draw with my left hand.
- I look ugly? Good. I was trying to look like you today.
Perfect insults to share with the people who annoy you
When someone insults you, donât be afraid to use the comebacks below to insult them right back:
- I would never date you. Iâm lonely, not desperate.
- I donât have the patience or the crayons to explain this to you.
- My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
- Iâd say youâre âdumb as a rock,â but at least a rock can hold a door open.
- I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.
- Youâre a conversation starter. Not when you are around, but once you leave.
- First off: Brush your teeth.
- I find the fact that youâve lived this long both surprising and disappointing.
- Youâre impossible to underestimate.
- You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste.
- Somewhere, somehow, you are robbing a village of their idiot.
- You are the reason why shampoo has instructions.
- Iâd give you a nasty look, but youâve already got one.
- Mister Rogers would be disappointed with you.
- If you were the light at the end of the tunnel, Iâd turn back around.
The insult that will shut down any argument
These insults are brutal, but theyâre also hilarious. Share them whenever you get the chance!
- Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
- You should really come with a warning label.
- I donât know what your problem is, but Iâm guessing itâs hard to pronounce.
- If I wanted to hear from an asshole, Iâd fart.
- I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your existence.
- Stupidity isnât a crime, so youâre free to go.
- Too bad you canât Photoshop your ugly personality.
- Donât you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
- The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
- You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
- Please just tell me you donât plan to home-school your kids.
- If youâre going to act like a turd, go lay on the yard.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
- Isnât there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
- Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks youâre an idiot.
Insults that will make your enemies laugh aloud
These insults are going to convince others to stop treating you so poorly:
- You look like a âbeforeâ picture.
- Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
- May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.
- I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
- What doesnât kill you, disappoints me.
- Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.
- I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and poop out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
- Donât hate me because Iâm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
- Your only purpose in life is to become an organ donor.
- Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Youâre about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
- There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
- Aww, itâs so cute when you try to talk about things you donât understand.
- You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.
19 Smart-ass insults to destroy people who are rude to you
These are the best insults to use on anyone who gets on your nerves:
- The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.
- As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
- Donât feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
- Donât try to think too hard. Youâre so stupid it might sprain your brain.
- Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
- Youâre living proof itâs possible to live without a brain.
- How much of a refund do you expect on your head, since itâs empty?
- Brains arenât everything. In your case, theyâre nothing.
- I have seen people like you. But I had to pay admission.
- Are you ever overwhelmed with the urge to tell someone to shut up? Because thatâs how I feel right now.
- Two wrongs donât make a right. Take your parents, for instance.
- Iâd slap you but I donât want to make your face look any better.
- I will slap you so hard even Google wonât be able to find you.
- One day, I hope youâll choke on the crap you talk.
- You have a face only a mother could love.
- If Isaidanything to offend you it was purely intentional.
- I hope your next blowj*b is from a shark.
- Youâre a bad person. Enough said.
- Youâre the type of person who canât read the room. You donât understand when you arenât wanted.
Great comebacks that come from famous quotes
Use these quotes to put your enemies in their place:
- âWhat, like itâs hard?â â Elle Woods, Legally Blonde
- âWell, the jerk store called, and theyâre running out of you. â Seinfeld
- âDonât get bitter, just get better.â â Alyssa Edwards, RuPaulâs Drag Race
- âImpersonating Beyoncè is not your destiny, child.â â RuPaul, RuPaulâs Drag Race
- âWhereâd you get your outfits, girl, American Apparently Not?â â Trixie Mattel, RuPaulâs Drag Race
- âGo back to Party City, where you belong!â â Phi Phi OâHara, RuPaulâs Drag Race
- âYou are so full of crap, the toiletâs jealous.â â Jinkx Monsoon, RuPaulâs Drag Race
- âIt looks like she went into Claireâs Boutique, fell on a sale rack and said, âIâll take it!'ââ Bianca Del Rio, RuPaulâs Drag Race
- âCheck your lipstick before you come for me.â â Naomi Smalls, RuPaulâs Drag Race
- If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.â â Margaret Thatcher
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About the author
January Nelson
January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University.